This is the seventh on my series of articles which draw upon the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. You can read my previous articles about Habit 1, Habit 2, Habit 3 and Habit 4.
Imagine a doctor who diagnoses you only with diseases that they’ve personally contracted. Or accountant who gives tax advise based on their own personal circumstances. Would you respect this person?
Why do pay big money for professional advice, when nothing is cheaper than an opinion?
People respect and listen to professionals, because they feel that they will be listened to and understood by someone who knows. A professional who rushes to a solution before appreciating the problem would be not worth the effort and money.
We understand this intuitively. Then why do we ourselves continue to make these mistakes with others? Why, even when we learn communication techniques, do we fail to understand?
Character and Communication
In 7-Habits, author Stephen Covey, identifies character deficits as a core problem of communication. Character, and the principles that underlie character, are the glue that holds together the 7-habits philosophy.
Covey cautions us about rushing to learn techniques to influence others. If we don’t have a well-rounded integrated character, these techniques come across as what they are – manipulation. These manipulation techniques often work in the short-term, but in the long-term they come undone. Family, friends and long-term work colleagues eventually seen our real selves.
Traditional virtues such as honesty, integrity and care, when properly cultivated, form a stable bedrock for effective communication. These are character traits that no one is born with – they are acquired through practice. Anyone can cultivate these traits.
It’s more effective to actually care, then to learn the skills to show that you care. Before embarking on learning communication techniques, ask yourself – Is my character up to the task of actually caring?
Diagnose Before you Prescribe
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” Stephen Covey
Feeling heard is a deep human yearning. We humans all have an autobiography to tell, and most of us are ready not only to tell it to others, but to interpret others life through the prism of our own autobiography.
Listening to others, really listening, often means stepping outside of ourselves. It means entering into the paradigm of the other. Walking in their shoes. True empathy. And empathy takes vulnerability: In order to influence you must open yourself up to being influenced.
When a person knows that they are being heard with empathy, they open up to advice. In fact, for many, it is only once a person knows that they are heard, that they will listen. Or as Covey states it:
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”.
Jumping to advise, prescribing before diagnosing, is one of the clearest signs of communication breakdown. Many of the negative communication traps that people encounter at home or work, come down to this basic error.
How Not to Understand
Covey cites four main patterns of communication that demonstrate a lack of empathy. He calls these “the Four Autobiographical Responses” (4AR). These responses emanate from projecting one’s own paradigms onto others.
The first 4AR pattern is the most innocent sounding: Evaluating. This just means putting a value on what people are saying: good/bad, right/wrong, cool/uncool. The problem with attributing values to things that others say is that it communicates what is acceptable or unacceptable. And this stifles freedom to explore thoughts.
Even positive evaluations stifle exploratory conversation. Compare:
Son: “I’m glad I didn’t go out tonight, but I feel bad for my friends”
Father: “No way! You did the right thing! They’ll get over it”
with
Son: “I’m glad I didn’t go out tonight, but I feel bad for my friends”
Father: “You’re mostly glad about staying in, but part of you feels bad”
The second example reframes the situation but doesn’t evaluate right or wrong. The second example would usually result in more exploratory conversation.
Probing is another innocent sounding pattern. Most probers feel like they are “just asking questions”. Probing differs from open, curious questioning in that it is done from the listener’s point of reference, their paradigm. For example:
Son: “I’m glad I didn’t go out tonight, but I feel bad for my friends”
Father: “Do you think you feel bad because Jonno will look down on you for not coming”.
Probing seems like it is about information gathering, when really its about projecting the listeners paradigm onto the other person.
Advising is giving instructions and counsel, usually based on what we would do. My female clients regularly express frustration about the men in their lives doing this: jumping to the solution without first understanding the problem. Remember that people don’t care how much you know if they don’t know how much you care.
Interpreting is the final 4AR communication style. This just means telling others our theories about why they are acting, feeling or thinking the way that they are. The truth is that most people are perfectly capable of coming to their own conclusions about themselves. They don’t need your theories. But your open ears will help them reach deeper understandings about themselves.
Caring about Others is Caring for Yourself
The fifth habit is: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Covey (and I) speak more about understanding others. This makes sense, because understanding others is both the greater challenge and the first step.
But something miraculous usually occurs once others feel heard: They start to listen.
This open state that the listener engenders in others is powerful, and massively increases the listener’s effectiveness. And it is impossible to sustainable engender openness in others without being willing to open oneself.
It turns out that the best way to feel heard, is to first listen. The best way to understand, is to be understood. The best way to care for yourself, is to care for others first.