This is the sixth on my series of articles which draw upon the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. You can read my previous articles about Habit 1, Habit 2 And Habit 3.
Interpersonal Effectiveness: The External Victory
There is a theme to the first 3 habits in this series. Be Proactive, Begin with the End in Mind, Put First Things First: these are all rules for organising oneself. And indeed author, Stephen Covey, refers to these as first three habits as winning the internal victory.
Winning the internal victory means that you can manage yourself. An internal victory makes you someone who acts on the world, not someone who merely reacts to their surroundings. It demonstrates self-respect and people who respect themselves and well respected by others.
But self-mastery is not the end of the story. After winning the internal victory, the external victory beckons. The ability to work with others and build satisfying, long-lasting relationships.
Covey believes that there is no external victory without first winning the internal victory. Many people agree with this. My clients often tell me “I need to love myself before others can love me” or “I think I just need to work on myself first”. When I work with clients who want to better their relationships, we usually start with bettering themselves.
The set of skills needed to work well with others is called interpersonal effectiveness. Covey is harsh in his criticism of psychological and self-help material that jumps straight to interpersonal skills without first developing the wisdom and fortitude offered by the internal victory. Covey sees these approaches to be short-sighted and manipulative.
So, be warned, before moving on to the external victory skills, be sure to have mastered the internal victory. After all, why should others treat you well when you yourself do not?
Win/Lose Thinking
The first habit in the external victory is to “think win/win”. This means, a win for me and a win for you. How wonderful! How obvious! Don’t we all want everyone to be winners? But that isn’t life, right?
To understand this habit, it is worth considering its opposites.
Covey goes into detail describing a handful of alternatives to win/win thinking. Its worth considering the two main alternatives here: win/lose thinking and lose/win thinking.
Win/lose thinking means seeing life as a competitive game where the aim is to beat the opponent. If I win, you lose; so, I always try to win at all costs. It goes without saying that this type of competitive mindset stifles collaboration. When others work out that you are a win/lose sort of guy, they react in predictable ways.
Firstly, they get competitive themselves. They are guarded and wary and cynical. They fight selfishness with more selfishness. This triggers a self-protective cycle. This paranoid watchfulness consumes a great deal of time and mental resources.
Secondly, they stop playing the game. No one wants to play with someone who simply has to win. Easier just to walk away from them.
Win/lose thinking makes people snatch short-term opportunities over building long-term relationships. It pits businesses against customers, bosses against employees and family member against each other.
Lose/win thinking is the other main alternative. Fighting is hard and costly. Better just to give-in to others with stronger wills and to those with a win/lose mindset. Lose/win people do not get their needs met, but they do get to avoid struggle.
I see many lose/win people in therapy. They positively frame themselves as “peacemakers” or “the bigger person”. Usually, they are riddled with resentment and have enabled more or more entitled monsters in their lives. All for the sake of keeping the peace!
Win/lose and lose/win make some sense when we only have one little pie that we are all fighting for. But as humans, we are the creators of the pie! We can not only determine the share of the pie we receive, but we can also bake a bigger pie if we work together. Pie for all!
Win/Winner Takes it All
The antidote to this kind of thinking is win/win. Attempting to find a ground that it mutually beneficial. Collaborating in a way so that the whole of your efforts is greater than the sum of your parts.
Practically, this means approaching every relationship with the mindset that a common ground can be made. You need to let go of cynicism and paranoia. Every person, inside somewhere, has a collaborator like you.
Culture is important for win/win thinking. Covey gives several examples of family and business cultures which foster win/lose thinking.
Win/lose families encourage comparison between siblings. One child’s success is used as the benchmark for the others. Winner takes all rewards systems are enacted. Kids in these families tend to see the world in a dog-eat-dog manner.
In the same way, win/lose workplaces, also create competition. Staff bonus schemes that pit each worker against each other is a surefire way to encourage win/lose mentality.
Win/win families and companies, on the other hand, recognise the individual and unique contribution of each person. The success of the group is placed above the success of the individual. The individual winner is commended, but so is the group, or subgroup that they are a part of, so that everyone feels a sense of reflected pride and glory in their achievements.
But sometimes, despite our best intention, win/win doesn’t work. You just can’t find a middle ground or you’re dealing with an entrenched win/loser. Covey recommends opting out at that stage. He is realistic that you won’t have a win/win relationship with everyone. This he calls the win/win/no-deal approach.
Now: Thinking Win/Win Today
Where are you thinking win/lose in your life? Is there unhealthy competition in your relationships? What about the culture of your workplace, or home?
Covey proposes a three-step approach to building the win/win habit.
First, unsurprisingly, he goes back to the internal victory. Do you have the right character for a win/win mindset? Covey suggests three traits are important: integrity, maturity and an abundance mentality. An abundance mentality is the mindset that there is enough for everyone. The pie can always grow to fulfil all of our needs.
Secondly, he proposes that you begin today to deposit into the emotional back accounts of others. This is done by giving time, attention, understanding and validation to others.
Thirdly, he proposes that you make partnership agreements rather than performance agreements with others. Basically, this means that you are clear about what you both want to achieve, you both understand the rewards and consequences, and you don’t micromanage.
Then, hey presto, you are thinking win/win!
Enjoy your winnings!