Claire* was noticeably stiffer than usual at the start of our session. After some gentle questioning about why she seemed different, we discovered that at the end of our last session, she had felt I had hurried her out of the door, which had triggered her abandonment schema.
Barry* glared at me angrily. I had just told him that our sessions would have to be put on hold during an upcoming holiday. I validated Barry’s disappointment and started to gently explore his feelings. It turned out that Barry’s father would make promises and not follow through.
Needs and Neediness
We humans are very sensitive. Most of us adults go through our days playing our responsible, stable roles. Deep inside however, we are still the same kids that we once were. Feeling hurt, lost, disappointed – these feelings are masked or muted: We don’t show or even don’t know what we are really feeling much of the time.
We don’t like to think of ourselves as needy, but emotional needs are the glue that holds us humans together. Independence is so highly valued by our society that we strive to deaden the deep-seated emotional pull towards getting our needs met.
In the striving for independence, we deny ourselves the joy and power of interdependence.
We also don’t like to think of other adults as having childhood needs. We prefer to play the adult game with others who are playing this game. We look down on people who seem needy. Sometimes we are affronted or offended by those who make emotional demands on us. Or else we just laugh at them as being childish.
But we all have needs.
Mr Maslow
In the 1940’s Abraham Maslow created his famous ‘hierarchy of needs’. Most commonly visualised as a pyramid, Maslow imagined that humans have a list of priorities when it comes to their needs. Most urgently, we need water, food and shelter. Next, we yearn for physical safety needs.
Once these physical needs are met (which are for most people most of the time), we come to our emotional needs: Love and Belonging and Esteem. These emotional needs can take on the urgency of hunger and thirst, so long as we are not actually hungry or thirsty.
Schema therapy is based on the idea that many (most? all?) adults continue to experience the consequences of unmet needs. In the Schema Model, people who weren’t adequately provided with Love, Belonging, Esteem and other emotional needs as youngsters have a forever-hunger for them.
The therapy process itself aims to address these underlying needs. Through the therapeutic relationship, and imagery techniques, and skill acquisition and reframing, we heal this life-long wound.
Emotional Needs Now
It is likely that many of your nearest and dearest are walking through life with one or more of these gnawing unmet needs (schemas).
They might seem unnaturally needy, or standoffish, or aggressive.
Because we are often unaware of the childhood need, we usually won’t fully understand why they are acting this way. We sometimes want to avoid or attack these individuals or mock these individuals.
But there are ways understand people with unmet childhood needs. It is incredibly empowering to be able to understand the needs of a loved one rather than react in confusion.
Emotional Needs Now
It is likely that many of your nearest and dearest are walking through life with one or more of these gnawing unmet needs (schemas). They might seem unnaturally needy, or standoffish, or aggressive.
Because we are often unaware of the childhood need, we usually won’t fully understand why they are acting this way. We sometimes want to avoid or attack these individuals or mock these individuals.
But there are ways understand people with unmet childhood needs. It is incredibly empowering to be able to understand the needs of a loved one rather than react in confusion.
The three ways that you can attune to the unmet needs of loved ones:
- Empathy
- Understanding triggers
- Historical understanding
These three ways are simple in theory, but powerful in practice. When used together, they allow you to see beyond behaviour and into the underlying need.
- Empathy
Empathy is traveling the road that the other is on. Noticing words, feelings, body language are all part of empathy. Therapists are trained and practiced at attuning to the client. These empathy skills, such as active listening, validation and mirroring can be learned by anyone.
Empathy helped Barry and Claire to feel validated rather than attacked. The first step was to notice that something had changed. Gently pointing out and reflecting that their face or body language looked different provided a window into the emotional world that had just been activated.
Often, people don’t lead with “I feel abandoned” or “I feel let down.” They show it through tone, posture, or withdrawal. Empathy is about slowing things down enough to notice these signals and respond to them, rather than reacting to the surface behaviour.
When someone feels understood, their defensiveness drops. Only then can you begin to understand what is really going on.
- Understanding triggers
Understanding triggers is often done through questioning. “What exactly did I say or do that was wrong?”, “when exactly did things go wrong?”
For Claire, I had to clarify whether something had happened inside the therapy room or outside. When she initially denied anything was wrong, I chose gentle persistence (based on the empathy that she was guarded).
For Barry, the trigger had been more obvious because I saw the change in the session. I could instantly check with him what thoughts and feelings had arisen in session.
Triggers are often small in the present, but large in meaning. A rushed goodbye, a cancelled plan, a delayed message — these can carry much more weight than they seem to. Understanding the trigger helps us realise that the reaction is not random, but connected to something deeper.
- Historical Understanding
Because I already knew about Claire and Barry’s childhoods, I could link the emotions and triggers with historical feelings.
Claire always felt as a child that her parents didn’t want her around. As a teen she pre-emptively rejected any friend who disappointed her. Although she pushed people away or kept them shut out, ultimately she wanted her loved ones to fight for her.
Barry had developed a switch for trusted and non-trusted people as a child. When promises were broken, people quickly moved into the “not safe” category. My upcoming holiday wasn’t just a break in routine — it echoed a familiar pattern of being let down.
When we understand the history, the present reaction starts to make sense. What looks like overreaction is often a well-worn emotional pathway.
Bringing It Together
When we see others as “too sensitive”, “needy” or “difficult”, we are often reacting only to the surface. Underneath, there is usually a need trying to be met — often one that has been unmet for a long time.
Empathy helps us notice the shift.
Understanding triggers helps us locate the moment.
Historical understanding helps us make sense of the reaction.
We don’t have to become therapists for the people in our lives. But if we can pause, stay curious, and look a little deeper, our relationships can shift in meaningful ways.
And perhaps most importantly, we can begin to see that the neediness we sometimes judge in others is something we all carry, in one form or another.
* Names and key details changed to protect anonymity
