I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble
You know that I’m no good. I’m no Good by Amy Winehouse
“I knew it was bad for me to get in touch with Brett, but I was feeling lonely, and I couldn’t help it!” Hayley was beating herself up and hooking up with her ex-boyfriend. “I’m such an idiot! After all that hard work, I’m back at day one”.
“I sort of knew I’d have a drink from the time I left our session. I took your advice to go straight home. But my mind was made up, and the next day I hit it hard” Calum was explaining how he’d fallen into an almighty bender.
Humans are Complex.
We say we want to be happy. Then we choose a job and a partner that make us miserable.
We say we want to be good. Then gossip and say cruel things about close friends.
We say we want to be productive. Then we waste time endlessly.
A way to describe these contradictory actions is self-sabotage. Some people will describe themselves to me in this way, they will identify themselves as a self-saboteur. My clients who identify themselves this way reveal that they see themselves in a mysterious and fatalistic way: “I’m just a self-sabotager, and I always will be”
But I don’t view my self-sabotaging clients this way. The way I understand the self-saboteur is that they have different parts of their personality which vie for control, leading them to be contradictory, pushed this way and that.
Their personalities are split. But it’s not a disorder. It’s more common than you think. In fact, it’s probably the norm.
Do we Really have Parts?
The idea that our personality has parts has a long history. Freud identified three parts of the psyche: the reality-based ego, the animalistic id and the preachy superego. And more modern psychological theories continue to honour the idea that we contain multitudes.
Schema therapy regularly uses parts, or modes, to describe why people self-sabotage. Take Hayley for example:
“I’m actually pretty cold and rational. I just get triggered off when I’m alone. I get desperate and nothing will stop me from reaching out.”
Hayley is letting me know that she has an emotionally steady part and an emotionally volatile part. In schema terms, these are probably two different modes. Hayley’s modes are related to her childhood experiences, how her childhood needs were or weren’t met (her schemas) and how she coped with these unmet needs.
Hayley views her “cold rational” part as herself. She views the “desperate”, emotional part as her saboteur. Schema therapy views both parts in a kindly manner: Her desperate part serves as a way to get a normal human need for connection met, whilst her cold part keeps her buffered from emotional pain.
Sometimes, the self-sabotaging mode wants to hide us from our emotions. Take Calum:
“I always get in a zone before a relapse. I reckon I’m just as addicted to this mode as I am to alcohol. I’m in a headspace where I just don’t care about the world or what anyone thinks. It’s comforting”.
Calum’s self-sabotaging part is strongly associated with alcohol consumption. But its more than that. He feels “comforted” that he doesn’t have to care or engage in the world.
It is confusing when all of these parts seem to have something reasonable to add. Which part should we listen to?
What do we do about Parts?
One of my main interests in psychology is in integration and integrity of self. It is normal to have strong parts of one’s personality. It is normal that they will pull us in different directions. Part of the art of a well-lived-life is to understand our parts, our modes. And once we understand them, we need them to play together like a tight band or an orchestra.
And to do that, we need a good conductor.
Schema Therapy calls this conductor, the Healthy Adult Mode.
The Healthy Adult mode is the good and strong part of our personality that wants our needs to get met in a way that is non-self-sabotaging. To do this, the Healthy Adult must have thorough self-knowledge, have toughness and resolve, as well as have powerful tenderness and self-compassion.
Calum’s Healthy Adult is working on helpful coping methods:
“When I need to have some time away. I now go to the beach. Summer or winter, I just jump in the ocean. I’ve committed now to stay away from the booze, and a swim always gets my head right.”
Hayley’s Healthy Adult is helping her accept her need for validation and love, without giving in to destructive urges:
I know when I’ll feel the urge to contact Brett and I tell my friends that I’m vulnerable. It’s no use pretending that I’m tough when I keep making the same mistakes. My mates keep me safe”
Neither Hayley nor Calum are in denial of their modes. They don’t try to destroy or remove these antagonistic parts. Rather, working from their Healthy Adult modes, they seek to understand and meet their emotional needs. Meeting their needs without shooting themselves in the foot.