“I can’t cope with the kid. She used to be such a sweet girl, now she doesn’t do a thing I say, in fact she usually does the opposite”. Kyle was pulling his hair out, his daughter, Ava, just wouldn’t listen to him.
This is going to sound a bit rich coming from a psychologist, but sometimes talking things through doesn’t work. Often in our relationships, talking can become a case of too much of a good thing.
I know, I know, we should be good communicators. Assert our boundaries. Be clear and direct about asking for our wants and needs to be met. Express gratitude and appreciation readily. Strive to be heard.
But sometimes talking can hinder a relationship rather than help.
It pains me to say this, not just because talking the tool of my trade, but because unlike many (most?) men, I enjoy a good talk through of problems and issues.
But the problem is that it takes two to talk. And if we don’t have a talking partner, we are not communicating. We are lecturing, nagging, or venting.
This is important to remember with kids. Especially teenagers.
Teenagers have been known to be bad listeners since time immemorial. But this ancient fact does nothing to ease parent’s daily hell. Common issues I have heard and/or experienced include:
- Having to ask teen 100 times to do a simple chore.
- Telling teen to where something is, only for them to ask again a few minutes later.
- Teen lapsing into enraged defensiveness when giving feedback about their homework.
- Teen arguing the point of a consequence or punishment for behaviour.
One problem when talking to a teen is that you are asking them to care about something that they don’t yet care about. This is especially true to for household rules.
Another problem is that teens can feel that talking about something they did wrong is rubbing salt into their wounds. Shaming them. “Yeah, okay sure, I did something wrong, do you have to go on about it?”
Overcommunication will almost certainly lead kids to switch off. And once they’ve stopped listening, they’ve really stopped listening.
So, how can you reach a teen who won’t listen? Through actions. Actions don’t shame. Actions make kids care.
There are three simple steps for the Actions-Speak-Louder method:
- Ask or tell once. Don’t give 1,000 warnings. Don’t Overexplain. Just give a simple sentence of what you are going to do or what you expect. For example: “I expect that the kitchen will be tidy before 5pm”.
- If the task remains undone, follow up with a statement of action. “You didn’t clean the kitchen before 5pm, there will now be a consequence”.
- Walk away, but don’t forget. It is vital that you keep score, and that later down the track, when the teen wants something, you deny them what they want and explain.
Is there no time for talk, then?
As a psychologist, of course I’m going to advocate for talking. The best rule for talking about difficult issues is: Don’t talk about the problem when you’re in the problem.
Later, at a quiet and distraction free time, perhaps at bedtime, you might be able to revisit the issues to explain the rules and why they are important.
Remember to avoid rabbiting on. Keep it simple and clear. Actions speak louder than words.